Dear Friends,
It is the 3rd of January 1999 now, and things are changing again, so
heres a new report.
First of all, I hope that all of you had a wonderful Christmas, and that the last year
before the millenium will hold only good things in store for you.
Over here, I had the chance to take some time off and refuel some of the energy spent
in the last months. I went on a low-budget backpacking trip, first down to Capetown
(wonderful city, beats Pretoria by a WIDE margin), then back up the coast. I checked out
the "Garden Route", saw a load of breathtaking scenery, and did the highest
bungy-jump in the world at Blauwkranz bridge in Natures Valley (216m
yipeeeeeeeee!). Then I went through the former homelands Ciskei and Transkei (the
"wild coast"), where the coastline is stunning and untamed, and Africa is still
quite unspoiled. I also spent Christmas there, in Coffee Bay, with lamb-on-a-stick, the
750ml beer bottles (standard size there!!) and champagne (all free!!), and a little
boat-tour from the backpackers to an untouched rivermouth where we spotted dolphins, even
two whales (out of season!), and caught a shark. The trip reconciled me quite a bit with
South Africa as a country its beauty is almost endless, and there are a lot more
tolerant and cosmopolitan people here than a visit to Pretoria would let you assume.
The energy I got from that trip Ill need very much during the coming months. The
decision to change jobs had been looming even before I departed, and during the trip it
got quite cemented as I got distance and different angles. Tomorrow morning, I will
permanently change, for the remainder of the year and hence my service time, to Mohau
Centre on the west-side of Pretoria. Mohau is a hospice and orphanage for babies who are
HIV positive, or have been orphaned because of AIDS. It is situated close to a township,
on the premises of the former non-white state hospital of Pretoria (Kalafong Hospital).
I have already spent three days there, working with the babies, and I am realizing that
the job will be VERY hard. Im not used to baby care, and the job requires that I
give warmth and attention basically around the clock, all the time. I havent been a
very emotional person to begin with, and in this job my intellect is pretty useless.
Starting from the admin job at Ubuntu, it probably is the biggest step, all the way to the
other side of the "think<->feel" spectrum, that I could pick.
After three days, I was so exhausted that I considered throwing the towel and get back
to my static, but SAFE job at Ubuntu. Probably to my fortune, my boss rejected the idea of
me coming back in case Mohau would prove too much for me. So Ill have to hang on,
and dont need to bother with the decision "should-I-stay-or-should-I-go".
At Mohau, I wont be paid, I wont have car access, Ill live in the
orphanage itself (essentially 24h duty, because you never really get away). But the team
is wonderful and supportive. Especially Father Barry, the project leader, is very
compassionate, yet no-nonsense and down-to-earth.
I sort-of had expected that, simply by being around the babies, I would turn into
deeply compassionate, empathetic, new Ingo. Well, think again. After the second day, I was
panicking just to get out of bed in the morning, because I feared my own oh-so-limited
degree of "natural empathy" with the babies. My soul struggled NOT to be
touched, to detach itself, and I was shocked it that backlash to my growth efforts. So I
tried to force it, and of course, it only got me to the brink of a nervous breakdown, with
dizziness, shaking hands and all that.
When I confessed my state and my doubts about my ability to do that job to Father
Barry, he didnt label me or showed disappointment ("youre letting me
down"), but encouraged me to give myself more time, put less pressure on myself, and
just let things happen. I trust him completely, and accept him easily as a mentor and
guide. He and the team will help me to deal with my problems, Im certain of this.
Now Ive been back at Ubuntu for some days to clear all my affairs, hand over my
work, and pack my stuff. Tomorrow Im off. Now that I know Im here as a visitor
only, I am appreciating the natural beauty of the farm much more than before. Also, the
great degree of support Ive received from all our staff, and the encouragement, have
touched me deeply. I will be missed here, and much more than I thought. Not least through
the attitude of my superiors, I never had the impression to be either much needed or more
than tolerated here. Im only starting to realize now that I will leave a gap large
enough to matter, even though Ive only been here for a few months. Besides the admin
work that will suffer, I have (largely unconsciously) acted as a bridge between our black
staff and my boss, because of my non-patriarchal attitude towards them. I even have felt
(for the first time) guilty about "abandoning" the hospice and the patients.
Maybe I would have found a path to growth here, too. Not so much through the work, but by
sacrificing the self-centered goal of MY growth and simply dedicating myself to the
support of the place on the grounds that it is helping people who need that help - even
though I was never really happy there. But it is quite possible that I wouldnt have
arrived at that insight without my decision to change, and the different angle this gave
me. I might well have spent the rest of 1999 agonizing over chances missed by staying and
lack of growth at Ubuntu.
But in any case, the decision has been made, and will not be reverted. Ill
probably be back once in a while, to help my boss with computer stuff (homepage etc.), so
Ill stay in touch with my friends here and see how things go.
I hope that Ill settle down at Mohau quickly, and that it will feel like a home
to me soon. For the beginning, Ill try to get social contact in Atteridgeville
the township nearby. I know that Father Barry is working on getting sponsorship for
an apartment away from work (so I can get away from the stress), and transport to get me
to and from. I hope that, eventually, there will even be some money coming through. Also,
the last three long-term volunteers that were at Mohau had such a good time in the end
that they all want to come back. So, with a bit of optimism, I might end up having a
really good time in SA, after all. Wish me luck!
Hugs,
Ingo